Response to Prof. Scott's Suggestions

Professor Scott brought up that since my introduction didn't really seem too relevant to the rest of my piece. After rereading it, I agree with Professor Scott and the introduction seems more like unnecessary fluff. Not only is it fluff, but it could cause the reader to lose interest, which would not be conducive to my goal. I like her suggestion about starting the essay off with a story or a conversation that happened in a game. I think that adding player-to-player conversations would add a lot of humor to my essay as well as adding clearer explanations of some of the terminology and jargon that is used in my essay.

Response to Suggestions for my Essay

After reading the suggestions from another classmate, I realized that he mentioned many areas that I already knew that needed improvement. For example, he said that while my essay was informative, it tended to throw facts at the reader rather than pique the readers interest while enlightening them. He also said that although it was nice to know that I knew what I was talking about from the scholarly way I wrote my essay, he mentioned it would have been nice to know my opinion on the things i was discussing. Perhaps my point of view for this essay was too objective.

“Encountering the Essay” and “Essayists on the Essay.”

In my opinion what constitutes a good essay is most how it presents its content and whether or not it can keep the attention of the reader. A good essay should be descriptive, but not excessively wordy. It should also have a enough content for the reader to take something away after reading it, but it should not drown the reader in facts.
I think that areas in which my essay can improve upon are how to put new information out there for the reader while not boring them with too much technical jargon. I think my main goal should to impart some knowledge about the relationships within my community. I think that my intro could probably use some more improvement in the "hooking the reader" department.

Draft Comments

After reading Professor Scott's comments, I realized that there is still a lot of improvements that can be applied to my draft. For instance, in my introduction I only hinted at some of the results that I expect to receive from my research, but I could have cited some results that professionals have found and written in books or articles. It was noted that my cover letter said my proposal for funding, however in the acutal proposal I didn't mention a request for funding. I have to admit that when I first wrote my research proposal i didn't really have a specific audience in mind which lead my writing to be vague and kind of sloppy. I agree with Professor Scott that my methods section needs to be longer and be more structured, perhaps have some of the questions I am going to ask, instead of just saying I am going to use Ventrilo and as some questions. I also need to figure out which sections are actually necessary for my proposal, rather than having sections in my proposal because they were in other proposals.

Best American Essays

Regarding the essays we read earlier this week, the reason why I feel they are great is because they all paint vivid pictures in our heads as we read the words. They embellish and flesh out many details, be they minute or grand. I think the reason why they pay so much attention to detail is to maintain the attention of the audience. Conversely, I feel that too much embellishment can cause the audience to lose interest, thus it is a balancing act to find the right amount of elaboration.

A good example would be this except from The Stunt Pilot, "Rahm smashed up in front of King Hussein, in Jordan, during a performance. The plane spun down and never came out if it; it nosedived into the ground and exploded.....He just dove right down into the ground and his wife was there watching." .

Another component that is essential to a good essay is a solid conclusion that gives closure and hints possibly at the future. A conclusion that was well done was the one in Ali in Havana, "Castro's interpreter at first fails to understand what Bingham is saying. 'He wants you to keep it, ' Bingham repeats. Bingham enters the elevator with Ali and Yolanda. Before the door closes, Castro smiles, waves goodbye, and stares with curiosity at the rubber thumb. Then he puts it in his pocket." .

Chapter 5 Page 99 Questions

What's your project? What do you want to accomplish in this essay?

My project is to research the psychosocial effects of prolonged consumption of video games. What I hope to accomplish is to convince the National Institute of Mental Health that my research is something that is worthy of being funded.

What works? How can you build on the strengths of your draft?

In my opinion the best part of my paper would have to be my introduction, but I'm not saying that my paper is good in any sense. In my introduction, I mentioned some of the results that I expect from my research, however I could build on that by including some examples from books or articles.

What else might be said? How might you acknowledge other views and possibilities?

I can entertain other views of the topic of my research by including comments and inputs from people that I interview and some information that has been written by professional psychologist and social observers.

What's next? What are the implications of what you have to say?

The implications of what I have to say is obsessive gaming is quickly becoming an ailment in our society and that if we discern the causes and symptoms we can formulate a method of curing or lessening its effects.